Pudding Time

I have decided that the Universe has put me on the fast track to Enlightenment.  If not the full blown version, I am learning some things that I already knew.  It might make more sense to say that I am at last being and achieving some things that I have known as concepts, but perhaps not totally experienced.  The nice thing about this revelation is knowing that I had to be in some form of readiness for things to be happening as they are.  You know what they say, (them again), that luck, or opportunity, only works when the recipient has done her homework to be able to take advantage of the ship when it finally comes in.  No good spending your time lollygagging at the bus station when your destination is some exotic island overseas.  And so I have been on my own Olympic course these past few weeks, having experiences, reactions, and some mighty substantial rewards delivered at an astounding pace.  I don’t want to negate some of the lessons by not putting them down here, so some backtracking is in order.

Herewith what I wrote a few weeks ago, when I started the Clean Up around here:

***

It’s OK to be sad.  Sometimes you just ARE sad.  Trying to avoid the sadness, no matter that you put all sorts of other names on it like work or busy-ness or other responsibilities or whatever the flavor of the month is.  If you haven’t made your real peace with the situation, and done all the work, it’s going to sit behind some rock in your head, (and I have many fine rocks in my particular head), and camp out, having a swell time watching the movies going on in the auditorium  – sometimes interesting entertainment, sometimes maybe boring, and maybe even sometimes it gets a little hard to watch and you’d just as soon turn it off.  But there will come a time, (or need to), to get your own attention and feel what you feel and do what you need to do and walk through it so that you may be done with it.  What’s important, if you’re having to share space with Sadness and deal with it, is that you manage to keep moving, even if you’re reduced to making notes about what’s next when you come out of your malaise.  Even making a plan counts.  But after a while, you have to get up, stand up, put on your big girl panties (or jockey shorts, equal opportunity venue still), and deal with it.  Time To Move On is a good concept, but it helps to have done that homework.

There are days when I mightily feel that I am done with it, but comes a day when on those cat feet it creeps in like that fog, from behind that absolutely beautiful specimen of a rock, and it stands there and dares you to look at it – look it in the eye.  No matter how many diplomas of progress and respectable behavior and actual victories you may have achieved, well, I suppose if you’re not completely over it with some official Got Over It Plaque, things might still get you.  Or you get yourself. Things…. you know:  dreams, songs, triggered memories, old bookmarks in odd places.

I have learned, from enough experience, that the most important thing to strive for in most any endeavor is:  To Be Ready For It.  Of course this can’t be applicable to those Acts of God that always get you written out of anybody else’s responsibility but your own – bad weather or the actions of unknown people – but in most other arenas if you’ve got half a brain and a reasonable amount of energy, you can respectably pull off the task at hand.   Maybe it’s easier to prepare yourself for the flights of work related challenges, but the readiness for those little or large cosmic gotchas of the heart are much more capricious, and they appear out of the proverbial blue, or sometimes the orange.  And they don’t play fair, or what we would like to define as fair.  They hit from the blindside.

***

Feeling all high and mighty from my vantage point of knowingness, the very next day I was delivered one of those packages that you didn’t think you ever ordered, and don’t want to pay for when they come COD.  And so I was moved to present what I planned to be the next installment:

Glass Houses, Stones Thrown, Revelations and Forgiveness

Interesting insights today.  Delivered to me from a friend.  Having just been in that place, even writing about it and how it feels when Things get occasionally tossed at you, wouldn’t you know that here comes News of the Lost One, rearing his head.  More news than I wanted to hear, really, and it wasn’t even so much what happened of or by him, but observing my reaction, especially to the negatives that were delivered to me about the particulars.  Amazing, still, after all this time and experience, to feel the familiar flash of heat across my face and into my depths.  I felt it, I recognized it – AMAZING.  Ah, but here was the difference:  To feel it and then to be able to OBSERVE it instead of LIVING it, embracing it, being it.  And it never felt very good, I must say.  Feeling the flashes of Fear – and the well worn issue of Abandonment.  Feeling it, and then looking it in the face, and staring it down.  Well, how about that.  It really wasn’t how I truly felt anymore.  It was a physiological reaction, feeling primal and ingrained!  Like Pavlov’s dog or when that doctor whacks you in the knee.

And the realization that, for the most part – the greater part of my life now, I don’t LIVE that anymore.  There are a lot of things that I still DO feel, and some of it seems like sadness or a plaintive missing of the good times. There were good times, no doubt, but all got unhinged by the fact that there indeed were some ugly parts to us, and in the end, we just didn’t want the same things, on a lifetime, soul defining level.  Simple as that.  And as simple as that is, in those “before times,” it was not yet examined and dealt with in the core of me.  But then it’s hard to discover anything with your eyes closed, or if they’re full of red flags.

Favorite 3 Stooges Scene:

Curly:  I can’t see!  I can’t see!

Moe and Larry:  What’s wrong?  What happened?

Curly:  I got my eyes closed!  NyukNyukNyuk……

And then, after the heat flash episode,  the continuing to go on with my life, as it is, NOW.   But it’s different.  It began to be different since I rose to myself, the self I used to be, or the one I maybe never had even attained actually, and decided to open a conversation with Truth.  It all hit last year, in the spring of discontent, when, HORRORS, I decided it was time to ASK FOR what I wanted, and needed, in a relationship.  (Maybe that was the King of the Red Flags to begin with – the fact that it was so obvious that I wasn’t getting what I wanted and needed, and DID have to ask for it.) And I knew it – I knew it.  But I wouldn’t deal with it, just going along and playing at my own life, for so long.  Until I began to stop waiting for my life, or one that had become too defined by someone else.   Before that time I failed to see much of anything through the forest of red flags impaled into my eyeballs.  I would not see what I didn’t want to see, so the flags made an impenetrable barrier into my functioning grey matter.  Ostrich in the sand mentality – if I can’t (or won’t) see it, it couldn’t possibly be real.  In the sorry end, it comes down to the now trivialized question?  How’s that workin’ for ya’, cutie?  OY, not so well, and I took a 10 year hit for my blindness.  I’m sure they’ve done some soap opera plot on Hysterical Blindness, at least of the theatrical, non-sight variety.  Not nearly so entertaining to walk around not bumping into the furniture, but being technically blind in the eyes of the heart, allowing for bad behavior and more grief than one would have experienced had there been a red flagectomy performed early on. That was just my particular bugaboo, and we all have our own version, and then our versions have cousins, and in the end everyone is related.  And family is ever so much, uh, if not wonderful, it is at least interesting.

And now it is now.  And so much has been happening since I was the amazed witness to my own Enlightenment, at least with this particular chapter of my life which has occupied so much of my very being for so very long.  So VERY long.  I wonder what is the lifespan of ostriches, anyway?  Seems they would very likely be hit by busses or runaway lions with their heads in the sand so much of the time.  And you miss out on the other miracles of life when you spend your time in denial and tending to the hopelessly dying horse in the ICU.

So. I had an event – that flash of heat in my being – FEAR.  I had it.  I FELT it.  I felt it as if it were yet another real time experience that I’d had over and over in that long up and down saga that was my relationship, still being a part of my now life.  But IT WAS DIFFERENT.  I felt it, and then I OBSERVED it.  And the difference was that I was able to observe it is because my head was out of the sand, and I knew, I KNEW, I had finally put it down.  I had put down the heavy load, the anchor holding me back, and I walked away.  It was one thing to walk myself away all those months ago, remove myself from the scene of the crime, but it’s quite something else to have done the work to be able to stop living it, being it still – in my head, and finally, in my heart.  Finally, I had graduated, and gotten my diploma.  And I know what it felt like:  Freedom.  Not from him.  But from my own reactive tendencies that had kept me in bondage.  I learned something.  And I embraced the truth.

And right after that came another revelation.  I was able to consider forgiveness.  And it wasn’t just the “offending party” I had to forgive, but my own participation in the dance.  I had to, (and I know I STILL have to), own my own part in the dance, and look at how my actions contributed to how we scored on the dance floor.  I must say we fooled a lot of the judges, (the ones who didn’t know us too well), for we could impress on the visuals, but on closer inspection we were faking it.  Or lying.  (Do the Funky Ostrich, yeah yeah yeah.)  And I realized I really couldn’t throw any more stones, for my own house was indeed made out of glass.  Ta Dah.

***

So now we get around to what’s afoot in the time of newness and rebirth.  I never thought I would be able to say this, but yes indeed, here it comes, I am GRATEFUL for it all.  For all it took, the good the bad and the horrible, to get me here.  I am grateful for all the sadness it took for me to get to here.  Now.  Something bigger than me is in charge, and it’s astounding.  And when you make the move to open the shutters and let in the light, or pull your head out of wherever it’s been, and wash the grit out of your eyes, it’s hollering time!

I stand amazed.  And the really cool thing, even after I have known the truth about how it is, and written about it, (and deigning to feel myself capable and qualified to advise others about the ways of it), to KNOW it and to EXPERIENCE it are two entirely different things.  How many of us KNOW we are making a mistake, down to the core of our beings, and proceed to just go with it…. and cave in to the Fear, the ruts, the familiar dysfunction, because …. Well, there are a lot of Becauses.  We all have our stories, our reasons, our excuses.  But laying all that blame at someone else’s feet doesn’t really work, does it?  Once maybe…. But not over and over…. and then maybe once again.  That’s when it’s hard to look in the mirror, or dare to have eye contact with Truth.

I made it, but not without penalty.  But let me tell you I have been rewarded.  The nature of that reward is looking really good on the first waves of what’s happening, but I’ve got to keep a little of the secret to myself – for a while, anyway.  Suffice it to say that my life is blooming like wildflowers in the desert.  The gifts just keep on coming, (even with a couple of thorns in the roses), and the ease in which they are finding their way to me is phenomenal.  I have made a believer out of my own self, with appropriate support from and credit to the Universe.

Yes sirree, The Proof is indeed in the Pudding.  And you know what?  It’s chocolate!  Stay tuned……


Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: