Back to regarding piles and closets

When I was writing a few days ago, and before that, I went on a bit about those copious piles that I’m contending with, along with mentioning the piles in my closet.  It seems I’ve used that closet allegory quite often of late.  My my, what can that mean?  And if I consider my own question, I’m just liable to find the answer.  The question that lies beneath the question is, Exactly what is it that I don’t want to see, or find, (or DEAL WITH) under the piles? Even when I mentioned TG, it was in present time, that he had escaped “his righteous place at the back of the closet, under untended piles” and then I wondered  “What exactly is this ‘testing’ all about anyway?”  Aha.  It’s all becoming clear now, whether I want to look at it, or NOT.  And dear readers, that’s precisely it – I guess I just haven’t wanted to look at it, even in the midst of writing about it and living through it.  It’s been very convenient being so frightfully busy these past few months.  It’s been a great diversion, but now it’s time to DO THE WORK.  Oh gads.

I bought Susan Elliott’s book, Getting Past Your Breakup, LONG before the word Goodbye ever picked its way down the tortuous path over my lips.  I KNEW I would have do it – the Goodbye part.  I hoped against and to and beside and beyond Hope itself, but I couldn’t affect the outcome. Game over. But here’s the kicker, I still haven’t read all of that book, and I still haven’t DONE THE WORK therein.  There are a lot of highlighted portions in it, but the hard part?  Nope, not yet.  And that hard part equates to the piles in the closet, under which the ogre sleeps.  There are ogre moments everywhere, as evidenced by the one that came with a bite when I chanced upon that bookmark.  And still another the next day when I picked up an innocent looking folder upstairs in the studio – been there for months, years even – but not considered or noticed till I had time to get under the scraps of workstuff, and there it was, with that name and a folder full of possible ideas and concepts to consider.  The fact that it was here, and lost, says a lot about how far the concepts got – or at least what I thought they were to be.  Let’s now consider if I could possibly be painted with the Control Freak/Manipulation brush…. this could get ugly.

I’ve got to make the big move to sort through the piles, deal with them, what’s UNDER them, and face all the demons.  Especially the ones with his name on them.  And then, perhaps I won’t have to deal with the specter of the monster in the closet, just biding its time till I come across one of those little reminders unexpectedly.  I just have to put on my armor, pick up my sword, and sign up for Dragon Slaying 101.  How hard could it be?

Yeah, right.

However, it has dawned a new day, within the new year, and I think – I KNOW – I am ready to move on.  No more diversions, no more excuses, no more dragons in the closet.  I don’t know what it is, exactly, that has brought forth the sunshine, but I’m ready to shine that light into the dark corners.  I weary of fear, and grief and sorrow, and it’s time to take steps AWAY and TO.  Away from the past, anything that resembles keeping the dead horse on life support, and time to walk, run or skip into what comes next.  I’m no longer honoring what didn’t work, or lighting candles even to the things that I thought did.  It’s over.  Done and done.  Enough.

It’s hard to know when The Shift will announce its presence.  It might come with a big rumbling wave, or it might just be there looking you in the eye when you wake up on some given morning, having sneaked in during the night without a flutter.  It doesn’t matter.  It’ll be there when YOU are ready, maybe even if you thought you’d never be anything close to ready.  I hate to keep going back to chick movies, but by golly, I’ve discovered that within them there are often pearls.  And the one that comes to mind now, though I forget the source, is when one wise woman told another who was in some stage of grief: You know, Letting Go isn’t the hard thing.  It’s the Holding On that hurts us. (Or words resembling that effect.)  But think about it.  We let go – we fall or we fly or we go somewhere – to someplace different.  We hang on – we stay attached to the dead horse, the dead whatever it is, until we begin to smell like death ourselves.  And pretty soon it’s moved into our eyes, and they begin to look dead, too.  Pretty grim forecast, I’d say.  I’m ready to fly to the next thing, even if the next thing is the one sitting in my chair right this minute – me.  Let ME be the next thing, instead of servicing the dead.  Time to bury the dead, and turn my face toward the light.

Anybody coming with me?  If not, I’m OK on my own, but I have good friends, and those whose arms will hold me up if I stagger.  And stagger I might.  But as I said at the very beginning of this journey:  Stagger Onward Rejoicing.

Where’s that roadmap?  I’m ready.  Road trip.  To somewhere.  And I’m not afraid.  And yes, I’ll be getting into that book again, and yes, DOING THE WORK, because I’m not up to another false start, and I’d like to make peace with the dragon.  This time it’s for real.  This time it’s for keeps.  This time is for me…. and then I’ll pass it on.


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One Response to “Back to regarding piles and closets”

  1. Wondrous!! Again, like reading my own writing, or hearing my own thoughts! I’m pondering your well-written sharings, as I gaze around at the ‘piles’ in my own office here 😦 I’ve been sharing with my husband, and a few select girlfriends , that the time has now come to clear the clutter, organize that which is important, get rid of the superfluous stuff, then clean & polish the areas that appear.
    I’m coming with you! But damn right — you are perfectly OK on your own! And that’s part of what we’re all here for, is to help and hold each other up, whether we’re close friends or not.

    “The Dragon Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” (by Alan Cohen)
    Not only a really good book, but ‘our’ new belief for this new year!
    Grab your sword, darlin’!!

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