1-1-2010

I feel like I may never get used to this 2010 thing.  It seems very inconvenient to type, or figure out how to say it:  Two thousand ten, or twenty ten.  Both seem somehow daunting.  However, it seems to be here, one way or another.  How apt a statement is that?

So here it is, beyond the first day of the year, and the bombast or whatever it was that was New Year’s Eve is past, and so far the year is offering nothing bombastic at all, (if I keep the news turned off), and I welcome any peace that can be obtained.

I just experienced yet another whack to the head, (heart, really), when I picked up one of my books, in the greater cause of finally getting around to cleaning house – always so high on the list, but easily cast aside in the pursuits of some rewarding diversion of art or fun, hopefully both – and I opened it to refresh myself to its contents as I walked to actually put it someplace, and there it was – a bookmark.  But it was oh so familiar – I had made it, actually – and it was the homegrown friendly little piece of paper, a business card, announcing the name and the supposed artistic profession of my recently left behind love – marking the place where he’d left off reading last year at his place, and I’d reclaimed the book because I thought it might get lost in the upcoming shuffle.  And yes, I suppose I did know there was a shuffle coming on.  It was yet another little arrow delivered to the psyche/heart/knowingness.  Does this never end?  I mean, is it not enough that every other character on TV or movies has his particular name, so I never get away from it?  I think the next time I fall in love I shall consider the attributes of someone named Huxley or Poindexter…. anything you might not hear EVERY flippin’ day.  Still a bit tense, am I?  I attribute it to the times – the season – the intenseness of the past few months.  So now I’ll get to see how I feel about things since life has quieted down a bit, and there is a shift in momentum and time to actually think.

But on receiving that little stab a while ago, I had occasion to ponder – just for pondering’s sake mind you…….. What if I have indeed lost the last man I shall ever love?  Can he really be the only one to touch my heart in that particular place?  (Warts – it’s time to think about the warts!  Ah, that’s better…. I remember now the whys of it all….)  It seems a totally preposterous thing to suppose — surely the Universe is vast enough to provide more entertainment if the last event didn’t play out exactly as I had imagined.  If it just is a matter of imagining “better,” as THEY would tell us is so….  (you know – They, Them, the ones who are supposed to know about such things)….  If it is indeed a matter of imagining what you want, and doing it well and perhaps RESPONSIBLY for a change, then surely the next chapter will be of much improved manifestations.  One can only hope.

I hesitate to go into the details of my recent bombardment of the little “coincidences” and events that almost hilariously keep occurring.  As is said in one of my favorite descriptions:  You couldn’t make this stuff up.  If you can, you’ve written an exceptional script for a very good movie.  Go with it, and good luck.  But my friends are privy to the ridiculous details, and if you get sick in the head funny about it – yep, it’s pretty laughable.  Oh well, more fodder for the book.  Or the blog, which is beginning to take a more personal bent on things now that the time pressure is lessened a lot, and I have more time to think, and rant, or ponder….. or just write.

So then, why all the reminders and cosmic gotchas and ridiculous coincidences that continue unabated to keep the “left behind” one from his righteous place at the back of the closet, under untended piles?  What exactly is this “testing” all about anyway?

Even after writing about considering the possible lastness of loving that one particular man, and no others ever showing up to override his memory, damned if the chick movie that I happened upon last night didn’t address EXACTLY THE SAME SUPPOSITION, WORD FOR WORD.  I’ve always known I’m a bit psychic, but this is getting ridiculous.  Said chick movie had the obvious conclusion – the very man who counseled and comforted our bereaved heroine turned out to be, (natch), the very one who would fill the void, having earnestly promised her that she indeed would fall in love again.  You could see this one coming like a train wreck.  I started a previous novella that was subtitled “Life Is Not A Chick Movie.”  Perhaps I should review it, for it’s all happening again.

And yet, I’m SUPPOSED to know that all this is just playful drama by the Universe, delivering unto me just what I ordered.  Oh really?  REALLY?  I mean, that’s quite a load of Responsibility that one has to shoulder and soldier on.  Damn.  It takes a lot of energy, and oh SO many more considerations of myriad kinds to get to that place of acceptance and peace.  It’s beginning to feel, well, what word is it that I want to use here? Holy seems entirely ponderous, and that has nothing to do with being worthy of pondering – not at all.  I think the word I want is sacred. It’s some sort of journey, no other way to describe it, and these words will bear witness to it, and I aim to continue with it, for it just seems necessary.  Perhaps names will be changed to protect the innocent… or the guilty.  I am as “guilty” as anybody when it comes to my choices.  We make them, and then we have to deal with them – and the CONSEQUENCES that ensue.  I wrote in the book that “The meaning of life is CHOICE.”  But it may end up being that the meaning of life is revealed at the hands of the CONSEQUENCES we get after we make the CHOICE.  Oh, that again.

Alright then, that’s enough pondering for one session.  Back to the project at hand and we’ll see if cleaning house continues to lead to any more of it.  But in the course of this – I’ve just come up with the title for  my NEXT book.  Aha, there will then indeed be another!

Happy New Year Everyone.  We’ve got to laugh at all this.  We have to.  And in thinking about laughing, I wish my dead friend were here.  I miss her.  We had nothing in common, yet we found such friendship and kinship in being able to make each other laugh, at terrible, horribly dark things, when we could do it with no one else.  We always joked that the best we could ever hope for was Semi-Happy, and every time we ever stepped too far over the line and actually approached Happy, then the Great Cosmic Gotcha was on its way – Zap!  And we both got zapped our fair share, but we made the choices that got us within range.  She’s dead now, gone too soon from too many cigarettes, too much alcohol, too much food, too much anger.  Hard to believe I’d love someone so much who was so different than I, but love her I did.  We had some silly times, and were lucky to have made it through some of them as unscathed as we did.  Lucky.  But she said she didn’t think she’d be around very long, and she must have believed it, (and the Universe took her up on it), for it happened.  In the end I think she was saddened by her choices, and somewhat incredulous, but then it was too late.  And now I think I’ve lived longer than she did, and I’m still a bit angry with her that I can’t pick up the phone and whine and then laugh.  I suppose she knows that, or I hope she does.  I broke up with TG  one time – (I suppose he needs some sort of identifying moniker if I persist in talking about him), on her birthday one year.  She would’ve been so pleased, a great birthday present, but she was already gone.  Another story.

And so, again, back to the trenches.  Raul Malo is singing to me as I tend to my piles, so how bad could it be?

Again, Happy New Year.  I wish us all very much laughter.  It’s good stuff, damn near necessary, I’d say.  And onward we go, into the mystery.

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5 Responses to “1-1-2010”

  1. My cousin gave me your book “Quotes From Queenie” for Christmas. She may have met you at an art event. She is an artist as well. Not sure. I especially like the one about going into the dark places and not knowing where we might end up. So true. I’m enjoying the book and the photography and plan to share it with friends.

    • queeniesays Says:

      Oh Jenn, thank you so much! In a way, I feel like I AM living that chick movie thing. Things are starting to happen, (just like in Julie/Julia, right?), actual living humans are responding to my words and sending me emails, and I’ve already got two more books in my head, even started! I so appreciate your taking the time to comment, and that you appreciated that gift of my book. This is exactly how it’s supposed to happen. Blessings to you, and THANK YOU, again.

  2. Hi,

    Just wanted to say KUDOS for what you’ve created! What a gift it is to the rest of us. JB gave me your book “Quotes from Queenie” for Christmas and I love, love, love it. The perfect blend of wisdom and beauty.

    Well done, sister! Well, done. I look forward to enjoying the ride with you.

    All best for 2010,

    Ellen

  3. I have been where you are…and reading your blog brought it all back. That black hole sucked me so far down, I landed in China. It was a bleak time..I could hardly see ahead. Really, I could not see ahead…I lived every day in the past, wondering what I could have done to make it work..if I said this or was willing to do that , or if I was the one to blame, God forbid. I spent years wallowing in this self doubt, wondering every day what his life was like now, without me. I could not see a future without him. My soul had been yanked out of me without anesthesia, and I was bleeding to death….trying in vain to fill my arteries with his blood, his soul, his spirit.
    Thank God, my body rejected the toxic transfer (again without my permission), for my spirit knew better than to open back up to this possession. For the next few years, my spirit left me out of all decisions…it’s will to live a joyful life was stronger than mine. The men who came into my life were far different than men I would have been attracted to….but my spirit was in charge.
    Queenie…it is a cliche, you have heard this a million times, I am sure. You WILL rise above this and the very best is yet to come. Or you won’t. It is hard to believe, but it really is our decision.
    I have seen your book and the photographs are incredibly moving. And your verbal delights show how deeply you have gone to find your soul. I congratulate you for finding your own way, your own talent, your own soul, your own identity. We must never forget who we are. Apparently, this last partner was the final nail in the coffin of your alter ego…the ego that fought so wickedly to keep you imprisoned in the mournful past. At least that was how it was with me. I was determined to remain pitiful, whining about the flaws and cracks in my lover’s character….it was surely all of his fault, wasn’t it, Queenie?
    The life ahead of me was so unexpected and so unlike anything I had ever done before, I almost did not recognize myself. But my spirit did, and she was like a horse headed for the barn.
    Queenie, let your spiritual horse take the reins…you have done enough. I have read all of your blogs, and I can see the change in your heart. Fall back in love with yourself…forget about a partner for a little while…your photography is your new partner. It will treat you as good as you treat it. Learn from that. The best is absolutely in your future, I can attest. Onward through the fog! Your guardian angel.

    • queeniesays Says:

      Oh yes, my soul sister, you are preaching to the choir. It was that way, it felt that way, and sometimes the sirens of the ruts seem to call and falling back in would be so easy. But NO, I’m done with ruts, and the poor vista they offer. There’s such a huge difference between the Wishing and the Knowing. And sometimes we don’t really want to know what we KNOW, and then that’s when we set sail on the River of Denial. Yep, you’ve been there, I’ve been there – but I’m going to raft the Colorado again instead! Much better rewards, and I love me, and my life so much more now than when I just tried to make something happen that couldn’t be, and believed the lies from both sides of my ears.

      Thank you for caring, and sharing your journey, and being my guardian angel. May we all fly together.

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