Archive for October, 2009

Truth or Consequences

Posted in Uncategorized on October 7, 2009 by Queenie

A friend of mine wrote recently:  The first step in having a new life is to Say Goodbye.  Pretty precocious, and I say that because my friend, (and I don’t know her real well), is thirteen years old.  She wrote words that could’ve come right out of my own mouth, and heart.

So much is happening in my life right now that I’m about spinning out from under my new hat.  Things are moving so fast that I feel if I have a sudden stop I might attain whiplash.  I am smack in the middle of a life changing event, one of fairly major proportion, and danged if I don’t have to pull out all the grand pontifications that I’ve been spouting for others’ supposed benefit and apply them to my own life.  The thing I’ve been most “afraid” of has indeed happened, (funny how that is), and I’m having to walk my own talk.  Well.  How interesting.

Lives have changed.  Ties have been cut, and new chapters are being written.  It’s a time of intense emotion – feelings from one end of the spectrum to the other.  I’m just back from a pilgrimage to places of my favorite adventures, filled at once with new promise and then so many knifelike memories of my life before now.  On this trip I was for a while ensconced in a magical dwelling place in the Western direction of my usual life, (what a surprise), and in surroundings of such color as not to be believed by most travelers.  The colors were as saturated as the breadth of my emotions at this particular juncture of my life, and for a creature who is fed by emotions, experience, and shapes and color and texture, and Nature and Art and Creativity in so many forms…..if this isn’t approaching nirvana, (or critical mass), I don’t know what is.  Possibilities are presenting themselves in many ways, and thoughts of such things are challenging and exciting.  And a very real reminder that life does indeed go on, despite our best efforts to tell ourselves that we suffer sublimely from the events that we have likely brought down upon our own heads.  I seem to be the living poster poser for The Agony and the Ecstasy.  I have not returned to the life I left several days ago.  When I walked through the door, it was to a new reality, one I had such difficulty accepting for so many years, and now it is here, and choices have been made.

There’s a town in New Mexico called Truth or Consequences.  Sort of amazing if you think about it – that a town could be named such.  Yet life, if we choose to consider it under a strong enough light and open mind to accept the challenge, is really a matter of just such a thing.  We either live in Truth – not a small order sometimes – or we face the consequences of our deception.  Consequences are one of my more highly considered subjects of merit, worthy of much contemplation.  They are the ultimate end result of our choices, described so many ways, so many times:  You reap what you sow – and all those related platitudes.  But, simply stated, it is the truth.  You do.  You can choose not to choose, but then you live a life conceived and defined by default, and that is a sorry choice in itself.  You can then get ready to receive your scarlet letter for Victim or Martyr – not the letter sweater I want to wear.  (Do they still have letter sweaters?)

I’m living the words I’ve been writing.  I have to make a difficult choice – indeed I have already made it – and my life, in consequence, is going to be different.  It is now what I make of it, from here.  Whatever to do, or think of, or create next?  The mind boggles…. and here we go.

But the amazing thing is, that all that is happening now harkens back to what my thirteen year old friend stated about her own life – the thing that she is pondering in her own world, as I have pondered in my own – so separate, yet cosmically connected to hers.  She is considering the possibility of another life, looking at change, and realizing that some of that change will mean one or many forms of Goodbye.  And haven’t I just done that same thing?

It’s a new life, and a new road, and a new direction, and it had to begin with an ending.  The consequences of the actions it took to get to this point are evident and profound.  I am humbled at the actual happening of it.  But here it is, and it has happened.  And it ends, and begins, with that word…… Goodbye.

My world is changed.  Oh my.